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| After days of arduous journey, after crossing deserts of blackened void, climbing formidable mountains and ascending from green valleys, I finally found the place of what looked like what I was searching for. I remembered the stories my grandfather told me, about the dragon in the mountains, and rumors of lore long lost. I knew where I had to search.
I completed the journey, I acknowledged to myself, looking back at all the fear I originally had inside, and realized I couldn't feel it anymore. I was different, somehow.
I found the dragon's lair, a cave hewn from the side of a huge mountain. It was dark inside, but somehow I knew within a dragon lurked. I approached cautiously on foot, my sword and shield at ready in case it attacked. Under my tunic I felt the crystal heart begin beating softly.
"Hail, fair creature, come out and meet me," I exclaimed loudly from the edge of the opening to its cave. I could discern movement from within, and after moments a head appeared in the shadows, a dragon's head.
"What do you want, mere mortal, and why do you disturb my slumber?"
"I have been searching, fair dragon, for an answer to my question." I noticed how shimmering it's scales were, how tightly interwoven they were, and I found that what I saw was a magnificent creature. I sheathed my sword, and lowered my shield, sensing that this dragon had no thirst for my blood.
"Why should I answer any of your questions, puny man, you can't hurt me. Not anymore than I already have been." The dragon crawled slowly out of her cave, and walked around me on the shelf before her lair, surrounding me with her splendor. I noticed huge gashes in her scales on her hindquarter, and thought of what could cause damage to such a magnificent beast. I knew that she must be in pain.
"I have healing balm for your wounds, if you'll allow me to apply them."
"Indeed." She snorted frost from her snout at me. I felt a chill, but the crystal under my shirt and close to my heart was beating loudly against my skin. I felt safe.
I retrieved some ingredients from my satchel. I mixed a balm while the dragon watched me. I looked back at the dragon, in the eyes, and nodded that I was ready.
"Proceed," she stated, laying down upon the small jutting shelf we were on, the entrance to her lair grafted into the side of this mountain.
She lay still, and I applied my balm to the wounds in the dragon's scales. It was a sticky paste, that would harden over time, but one that would seal her scales once again. She would be impenetrable once again. I finished my work, and nodded back to her.
"So what is your question, mortal?", she stood up and flapped her wings into the air, standing there, creating a gust of wind that blew against my soul. I felt consumed by her beauty, but my will was strong and I stood there in her presence. I asked my solitary question.
"What is the meaning of life?"
She breathed gently upon me, a cold frost that cooled my soul. The fire and pain I've felt inside my entire life subsided, and I stood there looking at her, looking within the dragon's eyes. I saw eternity.
"I can't answer that for you, mortal man." She settled her wings against her sides, and continued. "Life is a path you must follow. You must pick your own path. Noone can tell you the meaning, it's something you must discover for yourself."
I nodded.
"If you came to me for answers within yourself, I cannot help you. You are walking
around in circles in your mind, and you must decide the path your heart tells you to follow."
I nodded.
With that, she beat her wings into the air, and flew off, her shimmering silver scales glistening in the sunlight. I watched her grow smaller, as she flew away, and I held my hand across my chest, feeling the crystal heart, wanting her to return.
I looked around after she disappeared from view, and ventured into her lair. I found a spot off to the side, and made camp. I started a small fire to keep me warm, and I waited there for her return, knowing I might fall asleep, and that she would eat me in one quick snatch of her jaws, but I fell asleep that night not worrying about anything, at peace with myself.
In the morning she woke me up, nuzzling her snout against me, saying, "Mortal, Rise."
I brushed the webs of slumber from my eyes, seeing the dragon encompassing the room, and I stood up from my bed. "You did not eat me though I slept in your lair. Why is that?"
"I have no reason to cause you harm."
I paused, my knees weak.
"How are your wounds?"
"Your balm is working. The black dragon I fought against had wounded me, but your balm seals the wound, and I can heal."
I stood there, and as I did, the dragon started glowing, a subtle hue that intensified, and it began changing it's shape, morphing into a female form. I watched as she completed her transformation. Her female form was beautiful as well, and she walked up to me and gave me a hug, wrapping her arms around me, and she held me.
"Dennis, I have been wounded," she said.
I held her and told her I was sorry.
"It's your fault."
"I know."
"That's not good enough. You attacked me. I can't tolerate that. You destroyed my faith in you when you became your own black dragon. I can't accept that, and my trust is lost."
She pulled away from my arms. We looked at each other.
"Did you ever expect this to be easy?"
"I can't trust you anymore."
"I know."
"Why the hell would you ruin my trust when I gave it to you so easily, you stupid mortal? I can't understand that. Tell me why you would violate the possibility of a love so sincere, so true and honest, and tell me how you can possibly justify ruining what you've searched for your entire life."
"True love endures. It works out. There's no answer to give you that justifies my words, but deep inside I can believe in myself, and I know the choices I make are garnered toward finding love. I can tell you that I love you, and nothing more."
"You shattered my trust by hurting me. How can you possibly justify that?"
"I can't. I don't expect to. I am being myself, the wrecked and twisted self I am on this journey. I am trying to find myself once more, and I can't focus on how I should be, I only feel what I am. It's all I can express, and I'll admit it's pretty ugly."
She looked back at me, and as I looked into her eyes, she said, "There is really no hope for you, is there?"
"Yes there is, it's standing before me now."
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| There are epiphanies you get, call it synchronicity or whatever, that sometimes make you wonder.
Really? You ask.
Can it really be that simple?
Human logic dictates that everything follows a predetermined path, events sown forth in a way that is comprehensible, but often it is not. Ambiguity is not fruit for all to eat.
One requirement is the ability to waive your thinking. You must decide within that nothing that is labeled needs to have that label, and think for once outside the box, and then you can see the little things that really matter.
The little things?
Love, and trust.
Hope, and happiness.
Peace, and kindness.
The little things matter the most in life, and if you can't believe in the little things, whisper your love into the cold night's air, and I'll be there to hold you, expecting nothing else.
Peace.
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| A wounded heart left bleeding,
requires some repose,
I myself am needing,
it's life, the way it goes.....
Samhain came, and did provide,  commitment from within,
the harvest done from times ago, a brand upon my skin,
a pentacle handcrafted, so my hands can work again,
and go on now with tasks I've found, ready to begin.
I myself am ready, a willingness to give,
necessary options, for the life I find to live.
And then....
Chaos ensues upon Order. The battle wages.
Love, and only love can win. I know this.
A melancholy drift of words settles on my soul,
knowing that I know inside the key to make me whole,
and someone understanding in this life my only goal.
I'd like for you to walk with me, along the path we find,
knowing life is simple, as we leave the world behind,
to lose ourselves in circumstance, and forget about the time,
as I become defeated, my will lost within this rhyme.
And then....
Savory hills of splendor encompass all around me,
as your lost memories return,
several moments ago you told me this.
For me to know,
is not enough,
I must experience
the long fall to earth
once again,
and know that
once again,
I'm but a man.
Alabaster voices chide me for being here,
in this place of self-denial,
and I know I don't belong,
and that I also
know the way back home.
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| One year. That's the challenge.
If I could tell you where I will be in one year, those of you with stable lives, I'd only honor you with my own dreams. Predicting the future is not easy, but in hindsight, I do have certain gifts, and I can create reality. The future seems to be a sham, a hidden chunk of fear within our souls, but honestly the future needs to be what we want it to be.
So, this becomes "The One Year from Now" blog, and I ask you who read this to do the same in your own blog. I've tried to see one year ahead. Try it. It may be enlightening.
Within the context of this blog, it seems I can only talk about things I wish to improve upon, the person I want to be in a year, and where I want to be at. I can't see into the future because it doesn't exist yet, but I can create my own reality one day at a time, and so I function within said parameters. I've addressed several issues about myself, the things I could improve on, the qualities I lack, and who I really wish to be. Traveling across the country definately opens your mind. I've spent the past week digesting all I've experienced, and finally I'm able to release a few thoughts.
My own life is currently in turmoil, having started several unsavory events into motion. There is much work to do for the next couple of weeks, and if you've ever read "The Book of Atrus: Myst", the novel that was the prequel to the video game "Myst", you'll know exactly what I am talking about. Amazon.com has it for 4.99, get it and read it. I read the book years ago, yet tonight several stored engrams re-connected in my mind. Ah, yes, a neglected world.
Here is my list:
1) My Grammar.
2) My Own Happiness.
3) Solving the Loneliness Issue.
4) Financially Secure.
Step One: Fixing the Grammatical Train Wreck.
Language is a tool I use to communicate thoughts and ideas to other humans I know. The three elements of communication are content, tone of voice, and body language. I'm good with all three, reading, processing, and analyzing. I'm an effective communicator, and I can relay my thoughts into words quite easily, the sort of easiness you feel when you wake up in the wilderness and realize there is no electricity, no cell phone reception, and no comforts of true civilization. Potable water is sourced from the nearby mountain spring, and you fall asleep to the gentle trickling sound of mother nature in all her splendor, unmasked by the removal of all the constraints we place upon ourselves.
I've worked with rednecks for the past seventeen years, and in the process I've lost concepts of lineal flow in grammar, butchering the english language with no regard to the outcome. For example: See, Saw, Seen. I see the dog go pee outside. I saw the dog go pee outside. I seen the dog go pee outside. If I were to give an answer, I'd pick saw, but subconciously both saw and seen would have been suitable answers. Btw, seen should only be used with had or have, past perfect and present perfect tenses, I think. :)
It keeps my mind busy, re-checking language rules, and right now that is a good thing.
Step Two: Defining the Meaning of an Elusive Emotional Concept.
There's no doubt in my mind that everyone WANTS to be happy. For some people I know, the answer is simple, and I'm happy for them, but for yours truly it is quite a complicated mess.
As for me, happiness stems from a connection. In my case, it's a connection with a member of the opposite gender, one in which a specific ritual is performed, namely, the ritual of nightly rest. You sleep together.
Nope, not good enough.....
You HAVE to hold.
You MUST touch.
Occasionally sex acts are SUPPOSED to be a given.
At least one kiss a day SHOULD be required.
Yep, happiness in a nutshell. A man goes to work everyday and comes home to the woman he loves. He putters around at night fixing things, working on projects, never bored. All for a simple ritual. My sleeping partner can't just be anyone. It can't just be one night.
That's just one aspect of what I require to be happy. I mentioned that it was a complicated mess, eh?
I think to myself that perhaps I am kindled to the flame of eternal loneliness....
....perhaps within 365 days I may find a solution.
Yet still, happiness is a ship bound for a destination across the sea, and still there's more to the yen I feel inside. I must follow this.
I need air. I need room. I need tools to use. I need to live. I need to feel.
Step Three: I Love Puzzles.
My own loneliness has been a riddle for me for many years. Sure, there have been spots where I had companions, please see the ritual above, and I married one when I was 24. We made it 4 years, seperated for 6 months, made it another 4, then divorced. I was alone for, uhm, 3 years but call it an eternity, then remarried and made it another 6 years. I am now 41, and I sleep alone once again. During that span of eternity I endured, I only slept with 2 women, one of which became my second wife. I never cheated on anyone before, until now. Do the math, 3 women in 17 years. Can that be right?
I value my loneliness. It's the most precious possession I have, the second being my identity.
When I finally solve the loneliness puzzle, I will of course lose my loneliness, a gift to the person who helps me solve this. It is a two person puzzle, and I know now the reason I could never solve it on my own. Seems this would take longer than a year to solve....
Step Four: Fending off the Greed.
I'm a bright boy. I've had a lot of good ideas for making money, but lacked anyone to trust or implement my ideas. Noone to sell the goods or track the money. I am no good with money, it's against my nature. Seriously, I hate money. I could probably be wealthy, but I've always been more concerned with happiness than wealth. I knew I never could trust a woman who wanted me for my money, and knew being rich was not a path to happiness. I've always had this BAD feeling that if I am rich I will become greedy, and forget about all my friends, the little redneck hard workers at the factory. 17 years at the same job? Am I stupid or just really stupid? I reek of honesty.
Well, my new goal for the next 365 days is to test this BAD feeling, and break it down into it's core components, and see where the glitch in my thinking actually is. I sincerely fear becoming greedy, wealthy enough to the point I set myself above another person. (Factoring in charitable donations.)
I have a very simple nature. I want to love and be loved in return. Money and wealth aren't required to find that, but maybe I am not thinking properly.
I can't buy love. Love is free. Love ranks above sex, yet you can buy sex, but not love. The best things in life are truly free.
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| Yes.
I twist and turn, holding onto what I value as dear to me. It's tough, a turmoil of knowing and not having. It brings desire, and a sharp realization of what is really important.
Yes.
I sit and ponder, this life of mine, a pathway here and a choice over there. I see the direction I know to take.
Yes.
I'm held back by all I've known. No easy release from all I've done. Skill and finesse are my two closest friends here. Help me, please.
Yes.
I have a life, my own, held in the palm of my hand. I wish to embrace life, and put in an order for fries on the side, with four extra ketchup packs. That's just the way it works. I don't question it. I just want to live it.
Peace.
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