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| There are epiphanies you get, call it synchronicity or whatever, that sometimes make you wonder.
Really? You ask.
Can it really be that simple?
Human logic dictates that everything follows a predetermined path, events sown forth in a way that is comprehensible, but often it is not. Ambiguity is not fruit for all to eat.
One requirement is the ability to waive your thinking. You must decide within that nothing that is labeled needs to have that label, and think for once outside the box, and then you can see the little things that really matter.
The little things?
Love, and trust.
Hope, and happiness.
Peace, and kindness.
The little things matter the most in life, and if you can't believe in the little things, whisper your love into the cold night's air, and I'll be there to hold you, expecting nothing else.
Peace.
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| A wounded heart left bleeding,
requires some repose,
I myself am needing,
it's life, the way it goes.....
Samhain came, and did provide,  commitment from within,
the harvest done from times ago, a brand upon my skin,
a pentacle handcrafted, so my hands can work again,
and go on now with tasks I've found, ready to begin.
I myself am ready, a willingness to give,
necessary options, for the life I find to live.
And then....
Chaos ensues upon Order. The battle wages.
Love, and only love can win. I know this.
A melancholy drift of words settles on my soul,
knowing that I know inside the key to make me whole,
and someone understanding in this life my only goal.
I'd like for you to walk with me, along the path we find,
knowing life is simple, as we leave the world behind,
to lose ourselves in circumstance, and forget about the time,
as I become defeated, my will lost within this rhyme.
And then....
Savory hills of splendor encompass all around me,
as your lost memories return,
several moments ago you told me this.
For me to know,
is not enough,
I must experience
the long fall to earth
once again,
and know that
once again,
I'm but a man.
Alabaster voices chide me for being here,
in this place of self-denial,
and I know I don't belong,
and that I also
know the way back home.
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| One year. That's the challenge.
If I could tell you where I will be in one year, those of you with stable lives, I'd only honor you with my own dreams. Predicting the future is not easy, but in hindsight, I do have certain gifts, and I can create reality. The future seems to be a sham, a hidden chunk of fear within our souls, but honestly the future needs to be what we want it to be.
So, this becomes "The One Year from Now" blog, and I ask you who read this to do the same in your own blog. I've tried to see one year ahead. Try it. It may be enlightening.
Within the context of this blog, it seems I can only talk about things I wish to improve upon, the person I want to be in a year, and where I want to be at. I can't see into the future because it doesn't exist yet, but I can create my own reality one day at a time, and so I function within said parameters. I've addressed several issues about myself, the things I could improve on, the qualities I lack, and who I really wish to be. Traveling across the country definately opens your mind. I've spent the past week digesting all I've experienced, and finally I'm able to release a few thoughts.
My own life is currently in turmoil, having started several unsavory events into motion. There is much work to do for the next couple of weeks, and if you've ever read "The Book of Atrus: Myst", the novel that was the prequel to the video game "Myst", you'll know exactly what I am talking about. Amazon.com has it for 4.99, get it and read it. I read the book years ago, yet tonight several stored engrams re-connected in my mind. Ah, yes, a neglected world.
Here is my list:
1) My Grammar.
2) My Own Happiness.
3) Solving the Loneliness Issue.
4) Financially Secure.
Step One: Fixing the Grammatical Train Wreck.
Language is a tool I use to communicate thoughts and ideas to other humans I know. The three elements of communication are content, tone of voice, and body language. I'm good with all three, reading, processing, and analyzing. I'm an effective communicator, and I can relay my thoughts into words quite easily, the sort of easiness you feel when you wake up in the wilderness and realize there is no electricity, no cell phone reception, and no comforts of true civilization. Potable water is sourced from the nearby mountain spring, and you fall asleep to the gentle trickling sound of mother nature in all her splendor, unmasked by the removal of all the constraints we place upon ourselves.
I've worked with rednecks for the past seventeen years, and in the process I've lost concepts of lineal flow in grammar, butchering the english language with no regard to the outcome. For example: See, Saw, Seen. I see the dog go pee outside. I saw the dog go pee outside. I seen the dog go pee outside. If I were to give an answer, I'd pick saw, but subconciously both saw and seen would have been suitable answers. Btw, seen should only be used with had or have, past perfect and present perfect tenses, I think. :)
It keeps my mind busy, re-checking language rules, and right now that is a good thing.
Step Two: Defining the Meaning of an Elusive Emotional Concept.
There's no doubt in my mind that everyone WANTS to be happy. For some people I know, the answer is simple, and I'm happy for them, but for yours truly it is quite a complicated mess.
As for me, happiness stems from a connection. In my case, it's a connection with a member of the opposite gender, one in which a specific ritual is performed, namely, the ritual of nightly rest. You sleep together.
Nope, not good enough.....
You HAVE to hold.
You MUST touch.
Occasionally sex acts are SUPPOSED to be a given.
At least one kiss a day SHOULD be required.
Yep, happiness in a nutshell. A man goes to work everyday and comes home to the woman he loves. He putters around at night fixing things, working on projects, never bored. All for a simple ritual. My sleeping partner can't just be anyone. It can't just be one night.
That's just one aspect of what I require to be happy. I mentioned that it was a complicated mess, eh?
I think to myself that perhaps I am kindled to the flame of eternal loneliness....
....perhaps within 365 days I may find a solution.
Yet still, happiness is a ship bound for a destination across the sea, and still there's more to the yen I feel inside. I must follow this.
I need air. I need room. I need tools to use. I need to live. I need to feel.
Step Three: I Love Puzzles.
My own loneliness has been a riddle for me for many years. Sure, there have been spots where I had companions, please see the ritual above, and I married one when I was 24. We made it 4 years, seperated for 6 months, made it another 4, then divorced. I was alone for, uhm, 3 years but call it an eternity, then remarried and made it another 6 years. I am now 41, and I sleep alone once again. During that span of eternity I endured, I only slept with 2 women, one of which became my second wife. I never cheated on anyone before, until now. Do the math, 3 women in 17 years. Can that be right?
I value my loneliness. It's the most precious possession I have, the second being my identity.
When I finally solve the loneliness puzzle, I will of course lose my loneliness, a gift to the person who helps me solve this. It is a two person puzzle, and I know now the reason I could never solve it on my own. Seems this would take longer than a year to solve....
Step Four: Fending off the Greed.
I'm a bright boy. I've had a lot of good ideas for making money, but lacked anyone to trust or implement my ideas. Noone to sell the goods or track the money. I am no good with money, it's against my nature. Seriously, I hate money. I could probably be wealthy, but I've always been more concerned with happiness than wealth. I knew I never could trust a woman who wanted me for my money, and knew being rich was not a path to happiness. I've always had this BAD feeling that if I am rich I will become greedy, and forget about all my friends, the little redneck hard workers at the factory. 17 years at the same job? Am I stupid or just really stupid? I reek of honesty.
Well, my new goal for the next 365 days is to test this BAD feeling, and break it down into it's core components, and see where the glitch in my thinking actually is. I sincerely fear becoming greedy, wealthy enough to the point I set myself above another person. (Factoring in charitable donations.)
I have a very simple nature. I want to love and be loved in return. Money and wealth aren't required to find that, but maybe I am not thinking properly.
I can't buy love. Love is free. Love ranks above sex, yet you can buy sex, but not love. The best things in life are truly free.
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| Yes.
I twist and turn, holding onto what I value as dear to me. It's tough, a turmoil of knowing and not having. It brings desire, and a sharp realization of what is really important.
Yes.
I sit and ponder, this life of mine, a pathway here and a choice over there. I see the direction I know to take.
Yes.
I'm held back by all I've known. No easy release from all I've done. Skill and finesse are my two closest friends here. Help me, please.
Yes.
I have a life, my own, held in the palm of my hand. I wish to embrace life, and put in an order for fries on the side, with four extra ketchup packs. That's just the way it works. I don't question it. I just want to live it.
Peace.
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| The truth is a series of wildly twisted stories, ones of coincidence and chance, ready to be played back in this blog, but the truth will only avail one story at a time. Before I entertain thoughts of the past few weeks, I must produce a definition of where I am.
I am here, alone in my thoughts as I type, recalling episodes of feeling, and here I sit, savoring the pain I've produced in my own soul. I justify the cost, and nod.
I live for now in my brother's basement. I get the whole area, it's semi finished, and needs tlc, but it works. I moved out from my own home of 6 years and left my wife, went on a cross country adventure, and returned 2 weeks later to sort out the mess. I also left behind a 6 year old son, and now must pay CS and only get to see him part of the time. THAT is SERIOUSLY painful. THAT brings tears. That's opened old wounds of Ben and Gabby, and now Jonathan joins the well of mortal wounds. Not being with my children 24/7 has been the worst pain ever inflicted upon me, and somehow I know I will survive this. I let the tears flow........
.......and flow.
-->PLEASE ENTER COMMAND:_
-->reboot --clean --nosystrig --all
-->WORKING....PLEASE STAND BY.
-->RESTARTING....
-->LOADING V4 OS....
-->READY.
-->WHAT IS YOUR REQUEST?_
-->reset param --soft --tears --flow
-->PARAMETERS RESET.
-->WHAT IS YOUR REQUEST?_
-->restart value --love --dreams --hopes
-->VALUES RESTARTED.
-->WHAT IS YOUR REQUEST?_
--> def func (happiness(a-z)); (connection(u+1)); (communication(wdsxn)); exec
-->NEW FUNCTIONS DEFINED.
-->WHAT IS YOUR REQUEST?_
-->begin prg
-->RUNNING GUI....PLEASE WAIT.
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I did what I did for a reason. Please don't judge me.
If you must, have at it, think your worst, but any decision made without all the facts are usually bad decisions. Time reveals all truths.
For now, peace.
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