curious33's Xanga

It's all the small things.

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:33:42 GMT

There are epiphanies you get, call it synchronicity or whatever, that sometimes make you wonder.

Really? You ask.

Can it really be that simple?

Human logic dictates that everything follows a predetermined path, events sown forth in a way that is comprehensible, but often it is not. Ambiguity is not fruit for all to eat.

One requirement is the ability to waive your thinking. You must decide within that nothing that is labeled needs to have that label, and think for once outside the box, and then you can see the little things that really matter.

The little things?

Love, and trust.
Hope, and happiness.
Peace, and kindness.

The little things matter the most in life, and if you can't believe in the little things, whisper your love into the cold night's air, and I'll be there to hold you, expecting nothing else.

Peace.

Prose from the soul.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 03:02:08 GMT

A wounded heart left bleeding,
requires some repose,
I myself am needing,
it's life, the way it goes.....
Samhain came, and did provide, commitment from within,
the harvest done from times ago, a brand upon my skin,
a pentacle handcrafted, so my hands can work again,
and go on now with tasks I've found, ready to begin.

I myself am ready, a willingness to give,
necessary options, for the life I find to live.

And then....

Chaos ensues upon Order. The battle wages.

Love, and only love can win. I know this.

A melancholy drift of words settles on my soul,
knowing that I know inside the key to make me whole,
and someone understanding in this life my only goal.

I'd like for you to walk with me, along the path we find,
knowing life is simple, as we leave the world behind,
to lose ourselves in circumstance, and forget about the time,
as I become defeated, my will lost within this rhyme.

And then....

Savory hills of splendor encompass all around me,
as your lost memories return,
several moments ago you told me this.
For me to know,
is not enough,
I must experience
the long fall to earth
once again,
and know that
once again,
I'm but a man.
Alabaster voices chide me for being here,
in this place of self-denial,
and I know I don't belong,
and that I also
know the way back home.

365 Days, a Viral Blog.

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 03:28:04 GMT

One year. That's the challenge.

If I could tell you where I will be in one year, those of you with stable lives, I'd only honor you with my own dreams. Predicting the future is not easy, but in hindsight, I do have certain gifts, and I can create reality. The future seems to be a sham, a hidden chunk of fear within our souls, but honestly the future needs to be what we want it to be.

So, this becomes "The One Year from Now" blog, and I ask you who read this to do the same in your own blog. I've tried to see one year ahead. Try it. It may be enlightening.

Within the context of this blog, it seems I can only talk about things I wish to improve upon, the person I want to be in a year, and where I want to be at. I can't see into the future because it doesn't exist yet, but I can create my own reality one day at a time, and so I function within said parameters. I've addressed several issues about myself, the things I could improve on, the qualities I lack, and who I really wish to be. Traveling across the country definately opens your mind. I've spent the past week digesting all I've experienced, and finally I'm able to release a few thoughts.

My own life is currently in turmoil, having started several unsavory events into motion. There is much work to do for the next couple of weeks, and if you've ever read "The Book of Atrus: Myst", the novel that was the prequel to the video game "Myst", you'll know exactly what I am talking about. Amazon.com has it for 4.99, get it and read it. I read the book years ago, yet tonight several stored engrams re-connected in my mind. Ah, yes, a neglected world.

Here is my list:

1) My Grammar.
2) My Own Happiness.
3) Solving the Loneliness Issue.
4) Financially Secure.

Step One: Fixing the Grammatical Train Wreck.

Language is a tool I use to communicate thoughts and ideas to other humans I know. The three elements of communication are content, tone of voice, and body language. I'm good with all three, reading, processing, and analyzing. I'm an effective communicator, and I can relay my thoughts into words quite easily, the sort of easiness you feel when you wake up in the wilderness and realize there is no electricity, no cell phone reception, and no comforts of true civilization. Potable water is sourced from the nearby mountain spring, and you fall asleep to the gentle trickling sound of mother nature in all her splendor, unmasked by the removal of all the constraints we place upon ourselves.
I've worked with rednecks for the past seventeen years, and in the process I've lost concepts of lineal flow in grammar, butchering the english language with no regard to the outcome. For example: See, Saw, Seen. I see the dog go pee outside. I saw the dog go pee outside. I seen the dog go pee outside. If I were to give an answer, I'd pick saw, but subconciously both saw and seen would have been suitable answers. Btw, seen should only be used with had or have, past perfect and present perfect tenses, I think. :)
It keeps my mind busy, re-checking language rules, and right now that is a good thing.

Step Two: Defining the Meaning of an Elusive Emotional Concept.

There's no doubt in my mind that everyone WANTS to be happy. For some people I know, the answer is simple, and I'm happy for them, but for yours truly it is quite a complicated mess.
As for me, happiness stems from a connection. In my case, it's a connection with a member of the opposite gender, one in which a specific ritual is performed, namely, the ritual of nightly rest. You sleep together.
Nope, not good enough.....
You HAVE to hold.
You MUST touch.
Occasionally sex acts are SUPPOSED to be a given.
At least one kiss a day SHOULD be required.
Yep, happiness in a nutshell. A man goes to work everyday and comes home to the woman he loves. He putters around at night fixing things, working on projects, never bored. All for a simple ritual. My sleeping partner can't just be anyone. It can't just be one night.
That's just one aspect of what I require to be happy. I mentioned that it was a complicated mess, eh?

I think to myself that perhaps I am kindled to the flame of eternal loneliness....
....perhaps within 365 days I may find a solution.

Yet still, happiness is a ship bound for a destination across the sea, and still there's more to the yen I feel inside. I must follow this.
I need air. I need room. I need tools to use. I need to live. I need to feel.

Step Three: I Love Puzzles.

My own loneliness has been a riddle for me for many years. Sure, there have been spots where I had companions, please see the ritual above, and I married one when I was 24. We made it 4 years, seperated for 6 months, made it another 4, then divorced. I was alone for, uhm, 3 years but call it an eternity, then remarried and made it another 6 years. I am now 41, and I sleep alone once again. During that span of eternity I endured, I only slept with 2 women, one of which became my second wife. I never cheated on anyone before, until now. Do the math, 3 women in 17 years. Can that be right?
I value my loneliness. It's the most precious possession I have, the second being my identity.
When I finally solve the loneliness puzzle, I will of course lose my loneliness, a gift to the person who helps me solve this. It is a two person puzzle, and I know now the reason I could never solve it on my own. Seems this would take longer than a year to solve....

Step Four: Fending off the Greed.

I'm a bright boy. I've had a lot of good ideas for making money, but lacked anyone to trust or implement my ideas. Noone to sell the goods or track the money. I am no good with money, it's against my nature. Seriously, I hate money. I could probably be wealthy, but I've always been more concerned with happiness than wealth. I knew I never could trust a woman who wanted me for my money, and knew being rich was not a path to happiness. I've always had this BAD feeling that if I am rich I will become greedy, and forget about all my friends, the little redneck hard workers at the factory. 17 years at the same job? Am I stupid or just really stupid? I reek of honesty.
Well, my new goal for the next 365 days is to test this BAD feeling, and break it down into it's core components, and see where the glitch in my thinking actually is. I sincerely fear becoming greedy, wealthy enough to the point I set myself above another person. (Factoring in charitable donations.)
I have a very simple nature. I want to love and be loved in return. Money and wealth aren't required to find that, but maybe I am not thinking properly.
I can't buy love. Love is free. Love ranks above sex, yet you can buy sex, but not love. The best things in life are truly free.

A side of life, please, with my order.....

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 04:37:57 GMT

Yes.
I twist and turn, holding onto what I value as dear to me. It's tough, a turmoil of knowing and not having. It brings desire, and a sharp realization of what is really important.
Yes.
I sit and ponder, this life of mine, a pathway here and a choice over there. I see the direction I know to take.
Yes.
I'm held back by all I've known. No easy release from all I've done. Skill and finesse are my two closest friends here. Help me, please.
Yes.
I have a life, my own, held in the palm of my hand. I wish to embrace life, and put in an order for fries on the side, with four extra ketchup packs. That's just the way it works. I don't question it. I just want to live it.

Peace.

The Reality Blog......

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 01:47:26 GMT

The truth is a series of wildly twisted stories, ones of coincidence and chance, ready to be played back in this blog, but the truth will only avail one story at a time. Before I entertain thoughts of the past few weeks, I must produce a definition of where I am.

I am here, alone in my thoughts as I type, recalling episodes of feeling, and here I sit, savoring the pain I've produced in my own soul. I justify the cost, and nod.

I live for now in my brother's basement. I get the whole area, it's semi finished, and needs tlc, but it works. I moved out from my own home of 6 years and left my wife, went on a cross country adventure, and returned 2 weeks later to sort out the mess. I also left behind a 6 year old son, and now must pay CS and only get to see him part of the time. THAT is SERIOUSLY painful. THAT brings tears. That's opened old wounds of Ben and Gabby, and now Jonathan joins the well of mortal wounds. Not being with my children 24/7 has been the worst pain ever inflicted upon me, and somehow I know I will survive this. I let the tears flow........

.......and flow.

-->PLEASE ENTER COMMAND:_
-->reboot --clean --nosystrig --all

-->WORKING....PLEASE STAND BY.

-->RESTARTING....

-->LOADING V4 OS....

-->READY.
-->WHAT IS YOUR REQUEST?_

-->reset param --soft --tears --flow

-->PARAMETERS RESET.
-->WHAT IS YOUR REQUEST?_

-->restart value --love --dreams --hopes

-->VALUES RESTARTED.
-->WHAT IS YOUR REQUEST?_

--> def func (happiness(a-z)); (connection(u+1)); (communication(wdsxn)); exec

-->NEW FUNCTIONS DEFINED.
-->WHAT IS YOUR REQUEST?_

-->begin prg

-->RUNNING GUI....PLEASE WAIT.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I did what I did for a reason. Please don't judge me.

If you must, have at it, think your worst, but any decision made without all the facts are usually bad decisions. Time reveals all truths.

For now, peace.

And so I continue...

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 05:30:14 GMT

My journey goes on. I am to be at the airport at 4:30am PST to catch a flight at 6:00am PST. I have spent a week in Oregon, doing everything from camping in the wilderness to touching the waters of the Pacific Ocean. Yes, I'm bringing a small container of sand back east.

I have a flight from Portland to Atlanta, layover, then Atlanta to Canton, where my brother is supposed to pick me up. Yeah for cell phones. Then, I will be back in Ohio, and will begin picking up the shattered pieces of a past reality.

Yes, I have stories to tell. Stories galore. Too many thoughts to sort right now.

I'll be back soon.

Peace.

The Journey....

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 20:33:49 GMT

I am far from home. In fact I don't really know where my home is at any more. Someone once told me that home is where the heart is, but my heart is one of those items I lost along time ago.

I am travelling, however, and have just enough time to log in to tell everyone I am OK. Day one took me west of Chicago. Day two put me 100 miles inside Nebraska. By tonight I should be within Utah. The "Flying J" rest area that is providing my internet access is at the 179 mile marker, 179 more miles to Wyoming. My destination?

You see, I stepped through the doorway, with an offer of a job in which I would see sights and find my heart again, a journey across the USA, driving a 7 ton truck and cargo trailer, to deliver a load of personal effects for a friend, all expenses paid, I just have to log mileage and fill out a logbook. At the end of the trip I get a plane ticket to fly back to Ohio, to pick up the pieces of my shattered past.

I've taken pictures along the way. I've thought and cried along the way. It's been a tough hard journey, and I don't know what the future holds. I really miss my kids. The very thought of them makes tears well up in my eyes. Stop it, Dennis.

This is an adventure. It's a journey I never thought I had the courage to make. 2489 miles total, and about 1008 already travelled. Time to hit the road again.

Peace.

The Doorway......

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 05:43:15 GMT

To new readers...the story starts HERE. Read from that date forward.

My life empty and devoid of love, I finally decided to take my own life. I chose to be selfish for once. I took my one last breath......

As the haze of nothingness settled in, finally empty of tears, my angel reappeared and started crying, lifting me from the floor and holding me in her arms. Her tears dripped upon my face, and she leaned in to breath one more breath into my near lifeless body. "No, Dennis, PLEASE, not yet, DAMN you!" Her tears became my own and she held me while we wept.

"Angel, I can't go on", I whispered, "I've given all I can. I have nothing left inside."
"Dennis, LISTEN. If you commit suicide your children will miss you forever. I need YOU to take a journey with me. If you take this journey, they will only miss you for a little while, remember that."

"I honestly don't care any more. My wife has not kissed me in over six years. No touching, no love making. I haven't heard the words "I love you" from her lips in that amount of time. It broke my heart one day when Gabby asked me why Jan and I don't say "I love you" when we are done talking on the phone. I am done. I can't leave because it is my fault."

"Why is that?"

"Because I drink beer, and she hates it, and she says she might think about affection if I were to quit."

"Do you believe her?"

"Six years is a long time. Honestly, no. Either you are able to show affection or you don't. She also said she didn't ever want to get pregnant again, so I got a vasectomy this year on my birthday. After I healed from that painful ordeal nothing changed. I gave up my ability to reproduce to have love again in my life, a kiss, a touch, whatever, anything small, but I am denied. For six years now I have not been inside a woman, affectionless, and neglected, yet I'm asked to do everything that's required of me, and I do it. It's drained my soul to nothing. I am done."

"You are beating yourself up. There's MORE to it than that. Watch....."

She helped me to my feet again. I stood. I was still breathing. She waved her arm through the air, and the air sparkled, and a doorway appeared before both of us. I watched as she walked over and opened it.

"Dennis, all you have to do is walk through this door. On the other side is LIFE."

"I can't," I trembled, "I'm too afraid."

"Dennis, I NEED you to take this journey with me. I can show you things you have never seen before. It will HEAL you. I promise."

I looked at the open doorway, and looked within. I thought about death, and embracing life.

"Dennis, when you walk through that door, I will be on the other side, and I will catch you, and you will become my responsibility after that. I Promise. Just remember to breath......"

She walked ahead of me through the door and disappeared once again.

I looked at the doorway, hesitated, and then I walked through.

Only you can see.....

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 00:03:45 GMT

The tears I cry. It's not right for a man to cry, but when he feels so much he must. The man who cries knows his own heart and all the pain he feels, and he can't contain it anymore. So he simply weeps.
I think thoughts, and feel my pain, and cry when I must to absolve my own loneliness, a hole within my own soul I must deal with. That hole, oh, it hurts, it wrenches, it causes me thoughts of another life on the other side. I fight against it, but that hole sucks the life from me, draining me, and everyday I wake up alone, unable to express my love, unable to share. The tears. The tears keep me safe. As long as I can cry I know I can feel, but I truly fear the day when sadness comes and I am dry from tears. That day will be the day of my departure, I fear. I cry tears. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I don't have to be strong. I only have to live, and stay alive. I'll think the softest of thoughts, about how much I could love if only I could share, and that makes them run down my cheeks, late at night, when I'm alone, something only you can see. I wish they would stop. Nah, fuck it, it feels good to drain myself of some emotion. Maybe someday they'll dry up, but for now I feel and they run....The tears, how they run.Sweet flowing rivers of sorrow, of hope, of love, of myself, of something I really need. I asked destiny tonight the future, and she replied with only a smile. I'm good with that, a smile from destiny, and that lets me wipe my cheeks on my shoulders, and sigh a few clean breaths of relief. It sucks being down to "One Last Breath." I think you gotta find the bottom before you can decide where it is you must go. Wish me luck on this journey.Peace.

The First Battle.

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 03:12:17 GMT

Three Items. It's all I have, plus something within me.

I set off on my journey, the air brisk in autumn, the leaves turning, yet spirits grim at the task at hand. I've never fought a dragon before, and I had no clue what to expect. Summoning the last of my courage, I proceeded on.

The path was long and twisted, the journey deep within myself, and after weeks of walking I established where the dragon had it's lair. I stood at the entrance, and finally called it's name.

"Fear, you black bastard, come and do battle." I tried sounding as fierce as I should be.

From the dragon's lair a fearsome beast emerged, black, scaly, and none too pleased to see me. It was a lot bigger than I had imagined. It was ten times my size, and as I felt it's aura cover me, enveloping my soul, the sky turned black. It looked at me.

"What the hell do you want, you puny mortal?" Venom dripped from it's lips as it spoke. "A swift death, or an eternity of misery? I can oblige you with either."

It's ominous aura shackled me to the ground I stood on. I felt afraid. I remembered why I was here.

"Neither. I have come to slay you. I will remove you from my soul."

The dragon laughed hideously, like a banshee in the sullen moonlit sky, and the venom from it's gaping jaws flung through the air like a rain shower and burnt my skin as it landed on me. I cringed in pain, but denied it's effect.

"You are no match for me, you stupid pathetic fool. I will swallow you whole, and spit out your bones." He spit a wad of poisonous venom at me, and I was able to dodge it, but barely so. Fear crept further up my spine. I doubted myself, and why had even come here in the first place. I had no business here, confronting my fears, and I thought for a moment I would be happier just to quickly die. I was numb with fear, and with my fears, alone. I felt helpless. Depraved. Alone.

My sword hummed by my side, and I drew it out, holding it in front of me. The dragon snarled. We paced at one another, looking for an opening.

"You're a fool," the dragon said, "a death bound fool who is too much of a pansy to take his own life. You're worse than pathetic, you're a stupid ass weakling bitch. You can't even wipe your own ass after you take a shit." Venom flew through the air as it snarled words at me. Droplets burned my skin and I savored the pain. It was right, I had no right to live. The furious dragon continued it's rant as I stood there trembling with fear.

"Your first wife fucked around on you because you weren't man enough to please her. It was all your fault, you little bitch boy. Your second wife hasn't had sex with you, or even kissed you in over three years because you are a pathetic drunk, so what is the problem here? It's you, you worthless piece of shit, you are miserable because you can't even step up to the plate and be a real man. You're a shitty example of what a man should be."

The fear had crept inside my soul, and I knew it was right. I wanted to die. I wanted the world to be a better place without me. I was ready to drop my sword and shield and give up. It continued.

"Your kids hate you because you divorced their mom, and your son with your second wife will hate you as well. You can't leave, and you can't ever be happy. Sucks to be you, my little bitch boy worthless mortal wanna be a man. You'll never ever have what it takes. You're clueless. There's no such thing as hope for someone as worthless as you."

The dragon spat at me, and I had no will to dodge. His venom caught me full in chest, and I burned with pain inside. Tears welled up as I struggled to stand, my will diminished, my flesh rotting away, and still that foul beast continued to torment me.

"You'll never have love, you stupid idiot, because you don't deserve it. Bitches like you don't get women to love them, they become little bitch faggots. There's nothing about you any woman would want, and you're just a little limp-dick worthless child with no balls. Give it up. You're not even worth my time to eat. Take your fucking sword, and plunge it into your own damn heart, and make us all happy. Do it," it roared, "NOW!"

I picked up my sword again.

"DO IT!" It roared louder, "Just fucking do it and put yourself out of your misery."

"NO!" I said, "NO. Not like this. If I am going to die, it will be with dignity."

Through the tears in my eyes I gripped my sword tighter, resolving myself to attack the beast in front of me, and if I died in the process, then so be it.

With the last of my resolve, I stood a proud stance, barely yet alive, and as I looked the dragon in the eyes, I saw it's hatred burning back at me. It melted my soul, to see such hate and pain and misery. I couldn't fight it. It was as miserable as I, consumed by it's own nature. It was like looking into my own soul.

The dragon raged at me, not akin to my feelings, and save for my Shield of Hope I would've perished in it's attack. I warded it's first attack. It waxed more furious still.

We did battle. For hours, the dragon attacked me, laying gashes open on my body, spitting venom and trying to wound me to death. I endured it all, defending but unable to attack back, it's claws shredding my skin and it's teeth snapping at my soul.

The war raged, twix the dragon and I, and finally in frustration it beat it wings into the air, and took flight, flying away. It left me, and as my weary body still stood, torn asunder, I whispered into the night air:

"Yet I still BELIEVE in LOVE....."